As a new Army wife, I'm constantly learning new things things about what it means to belong to a military family. I just learned something new thanks to an article that my husband emailed me on Army Times.com: Gold Stars.
Like most people in this country, I did not know what a Gold Start was. I think my husband may have mentioned it before, but for some reason or another, the information didn't stick. It will now.
I read this story and a knot started forming in my throat. I read about what Jane Horton has gone through and I immediately wished she was next to me so I could give her a hug, but I also felt up a rush of dread: God almighty, please let me never wear a Gold Star.
Like all military service members, JAGs deploy all the time. In general, they are not in as much harm as infantry, but pretty much anywhere in the theater of war is dangerous. When I visited my husband at the Army law school in Virginia, I saw stained glass memorials dedicated to JAGs who where killed in the line of duty. Looking at them sent a chill down my spine. Please God, don't let my husband's name ever be added to that list.
Seeing those stained glass memorials and especially reading about Jane's ordeal filled me with anguish when I imagined being in her shoes. But it also filled me with a quiet, strong, pride.
What military spouses and family members feel when they take in the full aspect of their spouses jobs is hard to put into words. Like anyone else (hopefully) we are deeply devoted to our husbands and wives, and in many cases, the selfless commitment that they have made to the country is part of the strength of character that made us fall in love with them to begin with. Watching them perform their job, out of duty, commitment, love, and respect for the ideals of the U.S., fills us with pride, respect and admiration.
But also, behind the pride, there is an underlying fear. Military spouses, more than non-military spouses, I'd wager, find themselves imagining what they would do, and what life would be like if they became a widow or a widower. If your husband or wife is not deployed, this thought creeps up on you only occasionally, like a flash of terror that makes you shiver. Usually, a quick kiss to your husband/wife or an "I love you" text dispels the fear. But if your husband/wife is deployed, I would imagine that this terror lies just beneath the surface and it translates to a particular stress that only those going through it as well can begin to grasp.
The fact that there is a lack of understanding in the sacrifices that military families make in the general population was the main point of the article about Jane and her husband Christopher. The concrete fact that most Americans do not know what a Gold Star means is a proxy for the general lack of understanding of what it means to serve int he Armed Forces, not just for the members themselves, but for their families.
The article mentions some pretty disturbing statistics regarding the American public's perception of military families' sacrifices according to the Pew Research Institute. What shocked me most was the statistic that mentioned that "the survey shows that fewer than half (47 percent) of Americans say the military has sacrificed more than the public, and of those 71 percent say the sacrifice of service members is part of being in the military." When I got past the gut-reaction of shouting SERIOUSLY?!?, I started thinking more about why the average American would think that the public has sacrificed -more- than military servicemembers and their families.
What I've come up with is that the country is tired of talk of war (because there has been little more than talk in society at large) and, in a recessionary climate where jobs are few and far between, most Americans have more to worry about in their own lives than they did before the economic collapse. Any energy or time the average American may had to think about and appreciate the sacrifice the military and their families do for their country is directed inwards to take care of their own struggles. Furthermore, it is generally hard to empathize with a group of people that are not in a similar situations. That is where we, military spouses and family members, can make a difference. By talking to our friends and co-workers about what it's like to be a military spouse, with both its benefits and drawbacks, we put a familiar face on a previously faceless group. Perhaps, more empathy, curiosity and understanding can follow.
I hope I never wear a Gold Star, and my heart goes out to anyone who does. Next time I see someone wearing one I will offer my heartfelt condolences, and never ending thanks, to their loved one who sacrificed their life for this country and to those left behind, for having sacrificed a life with their loved ones.
