Gold Stars

As a new Army wife, I'm constantly learning new things things about what it means to belong to a military family. I just learned something new thanks to an article that my husband emailed me on Army Times.com: Gold Stars.

Like most people in this country, I did not know what a Gold Start was. I think my husband may have mentioned it before, but for some reason or another, the information didn't stick. It will now.

I read this story and a knot started forming in my throat. I read about what Jane Horton has gone through and I immediately wished she was next to me so I could give her a hug, but I also felt up a rush of dread: God almighty, please let me never wear a Gold Star.

Like all military service members, JAGs deploy all the time. In general, they are not in as much harm as infantry, but pretty much anywhere in the theater of war is dangerous. When I visited my husband at the Army law school in Virginia, I saw stained glass memorials dedicated to JAGs who where killed in the line of duty. Looking at them sent a chill down my spine. Please God, don't let my husband's name ever be added to that list.

Seeing those stained glass memorials and especially reading about Jane's ordeal filled me with anguish when I imagined being in her shoes. But it also filled me with a quiet, strong, pride.

What military spouses and family members feel when they take in the full aspect of their spouses jobs is hard to put into words. Like anyone else (hopefully) we are deeply devoted to our husbands and wives, and in many cases, the selfless commitment that they have made to the country is part of the strength of character that made us fall in love with them to begin with. Watching them perform their job, out of duty, commitment, love, and respect for the ideals of the U.S., fills us with pride, respect and admiration.

But also, behind the pride, there is an underlying fear. Military spouses, more than non-military spouses, I'd wager, find themselves imagining what they would do, and what life would be like if they became a widow or a widower. If your husband or wife is not deployed, this thought creeps up on you only occasionally, like a flash of terror that makes you shiver. Usually, a quick kiss to your husband/wife or an "I love you" text dispels the fear. But if your husband/wife is deployed, I would imagine that this terror lies just beneath the surface and it translates to a particular stress that only those going through it as well can begin to grasp.

The fact that there is a lack of understanding in the sacrifices that military families make in the general population was the main point of the article about Jane and her husband Christopher. The concrete fact that most Americans do not know what a Gold Star means is a proxy for the general lack of understanding of what it means to serve int he Armed Forces, not just for the members themselves, but for their families.

The article mentions some pretty disturbing statistics regarding the American public's perception of military families' sacrifices according to the Pew Research Institute. What shocked me most was the statistic that mentioned that "the survey shows that fewer than half (47 percent) of Americans say the military has sacrificed more than the public, and of those 71 percent say the sacrifice of service members is part of being in the military." When I got past the gut-reaction of shouting SERIOUSLY?!?, I started thinking more about why the average American would think that the public has sacrificed -more- than military servicemembers and their families.

What I've come up with is that the country is tired of talk of war (because there has been little more than talk  in society at large) and, in a recessionary climate where jobs are few and far between, most Americans have more to worry about in their own lives than they did before the economic collapse. Any energy or time the average American may had to think about and appreciate the sacrifice the military and their families do for their country is directed inwards to take care of their own struggles. Furthermore, it is generally hard to empathize with a group of people that are not in a similar situations. That is where we, military spouses and family members, can make a difference. By talking to our friends and co-workers about what it's like to be a military spouse, with both its benefits and drawbacks, we put a familiar face on a previously faceless group. Perhaps, more empathy, curiosity and understanding can follow.

I hope I never wear a Gold Star, and my heart goes out to anyone who does. Next time I see someone wearing one I will offer my heartfelt condolences, and never ending thanks, to their loved one who sacrificed their life for this country and to those left behind, for having sacrificed a life with their loved ones.

The end of 9-to-5?

Last week a co-worker sent me an article from Time.com about one of the emerging trends in the American workplace: Remote work. Taking advantage of laptops, wi-fi, and VPN is a topic that has been discussed at our workplace for the last few years. Still, our department, like most companies in the US, still largely follows the traditional office, 9-to-5 arrangement.

As a military spouse looking for work at my husband's post (and in the surrounding areas), I am thinking more about remote work, and wishing that remote work was the norm, not the exception. There quite a few roles in corporate America, except for jobs in live customer service (e.g. Retil), that cannot be performed remotely. I believe that if remote work did become the norm, it would be a boon to military spouses.

A cursory review of the locations of most military posts shows that quite a few of them are located away from large urban areas, where most of the available jobs are. Especially in these hard economic times, the chances of finding a job in smaller towns are much lower. Even if you are close to a decent size city, the jobs available there may not fit your skill set. Remote work would expand the potential jobs a military spouse get. Not only that, but it would mean that the military spouse would not have to find another job when the next PCS came.

I have often wondered why most companies are so weary of allowing their employees to work from home, in spite of the benefits it can bring. Personally, I think that it is because of a "when the cat's away the mice will play" mentality. There seems to be a perception that workers who are at home will simply not perform. I don't think that's true, at least not across the board. Work from home may not be for everyone. Some people enjoy the separation of their work lives from their personal ones, some may find the home environment too distracting. But those who cannot concentrate at home and cannot perform, are likely to be marginal performers in the office setting as well. Anyone who has worked in a cube-farm knows that the office has its own set of distractions that have to be tuned out if work is to get done. Even in a office setting, with a manager breathing down the employee's neck, you can have under performers. I just don't think that completely shying away from offering remote work will cure a company from performance issues.

Considering how beneficial remote work would be to military spouses, perhaps the Government could offer insentives to companies who not only hire military spouses, but offer flexible work environments. We can only hope. :)

Fort Sill: Impressions, Sight Unseen

We found out (for sure) the location of our posting the first full week of December. Fort Sill, Oklahoma.

I had never heard of this Army base before the PCS process started. It's not one of the Forts usually mentioned on TV or movies. Previously, if i was asked to name a fort, two or three would come to mind. Fort Knox, Fort Leavenworth, and Fort Sumter. I'm familiar with those names purely through movies. Everyone tries to rob, or hatch a scheme to rob, Fort Knox; Fort Leavenworth is where Tom Cruise's clients may end up in A Few Good Men, and Fort Sumter is where those damned Yankees first felt the Rebel ire (thank you, Gone with the Wind).

But Fort Sill? Never heard of it. So, as with anything else I'm curious about, I looked up Fort Sill on Wikipedia. Fort Sill is one of the oldest forts in the U.S. dating back to the Indian Wars. In fact, the famous Apache chief, Geronimo, is buried on Fort Sill grounds. I'm sure he's thrilled about that.

Lawton, OK, is the town just outside of Fort Sill. Lawton is about an hour southwest of Oklahoma City, and about two and a half hours northwest of the Dallas/Ft. Worth area.

At the time we found out that Ft. Sill was going to be our new home, we did a bit of research, to try to figure out what to expect.

Lawton

Apparently, Lawton does not have much to offer. The reviews range from we "It's not so bad" and to "it's a cultural wasteland, it doesn't even have a Target". While I do enjoy a trip to Targét, its presence or absence does not color my opinion of a town one way or another. Lawton's staggering crime rate, on the other hand, is much more of a consideration. My husband and I have lived in New Orleans for years. We are certainly familiar with life in a crime ridden city. It's mostly a matter of knowing where not to go at night, where not to go regardless of the time of day (Central City, anyone?), and just having common sense. Still, until you know a town fairly well, you can't always tell which parts of town should just be avoided. Judging by recent crime maps, it looks like the entire town of Lawton should be avoided.

Even though I was raised in a large city, and have lived in a large city for the last eight years, I do not need a a bustling metropolis to keep me entertained. Now, if you told me that Lawton has no Internet or cable service, I'd go into full blown hysterics. Thankfully, I have been assured that those services are available in the Lawton area.

The one amenity of a large city that Lawton seems to lack, and that I will miss, is a nice variety of restaurants. And no, Applebee's and Chili's do not count. Don't get me wrong, I love the Olive Garden, and Chili's has great baby back ribs. But they are not what I think of when I want to go out for a nice meal with my hubby. Unfortunately, we have been spoiled over the last few years in New Orleans. NOLA is blessed with world-class seafood, wonderful and creative chefs, and new and cool restaurants popping up in every other corner, even in crappy economic times. It'll be hard to find steaks like in La Boca, wonderful pizza like in Domenica, to-die-for crab claws like those served at Palace Cafe, or quirky little cafes like Merchant.

Mercifully, I'm told not all is lost. Apparently, there is an area of Oklahoma City called Bricktown. It's supposed to have nice restaurants, cute shops, and event boat rides. OKC is only about an hour's drive away, so I'm sure we'll visit it soon enough. Hopefully, I'll get to know a bit of OKC if I get a job there.

Fort Sill

Fort Sill is supposed to be a large base. It's supposed to have every amenity expected in large installations, like a huge Exchange, a Commissary that would but any supermarket to shame, bowling alleys and movie theaters. Still, I'm not sure what to expect. My husband took me on a tour of For Benning on our way to a cabin trip over Labor Day weekend. It was huge. It even had Starbucks! Decent coffee shops are certainly add on the brownie points. Ft. Benning also had running trails, sporting facilities, and a few restaurants. I expect Ft. Sill will look at bit like Benning, but given that I'm such a military newbie, I really am not sure what to expect.

Oklahoma

I have never been to this state. I must say, I do not know much about its history or its culture. My husband's legal secretary in his previous civilian job is from OK as is her husband. We got together with them a few days ago and they offered us a quick primer on OK. There are, as one would imagine, a lot of tribal casinos. Even though OK is usually lumped into the "South" region, it's culture has more in common with Midwestern states like Kansas and Nebraska, than with Georgia or South Carolina. When I think of OK, I imagine frontier towns, land runs and tumbleweeds every now and then. Apparently, that is not too far off the mark. There are towns in OK that are literal ghost towns. Frontier posts that failed to thrive into bustling towns for one reason or another. I bet those will be fun to visit.

One thing is for sure: with our move to OK, we will not escape natural disasters: we're trading hurricanes for their drier, thinner cousins: lovely tornadoes. Between tornado sirens and the artillery shells at Ft. Sill, it's possible we'll never sleep soundly again. :-)

PCSing... in record time!

One of the first things I'm learning as a new Army wife are acronyms. Like the rest of the federal government, the Army loves acronyms. There are a zillion of them. Learn them, and learn to love them, because they are not going anywhere. They constitute a language of their own and, borrowing the plasticity of full nouns in the English language, the acronyms themselves are easily turned into verbs. Hence the title of this post.

For the uninitiated, PCS stands for "Permanent Change of Station". It means that the Army has assigned your Soldier to a particular base for an extended period of time, typically three to four years. They are "accompanied postings" meaning that the Soldier gets to bring his/her spouse and family along. Normally, you find out which base you and your Soldier will be heading to about three month's in advance. That is, if your Soldier is being slotted "in cycle". My Soldier, however, was not slotted in cycle. Therefore, we had a little over a month's worth of notice.

Moving across a few states is a production, regardless of how much time you have to do it and whether you decide to do it yourself or pay movers to do it for you. Moving, however, is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to PCSing. When you're a military family, some of the considerations you take into account are:

• Where to live? On Post or Off Post? Both options have their benefits and drawbacks, and the choice, I'm told, also depends a lot on where you are going to be posted.


• If you decide to live Off Post, do you rent or buy?


• DITY move or pay for movers?


• Utilities: Finding out the utility options, teasing out the actual cost of utilities from the many promotional prices and bundle options, timing turning on utilities in new place.


• If you own real estate in the old post, need to arrange for it to be rented


• Compile the Change-of-Address list.


• If you have kids, you'll have to research the schools in the area. This will also impact your decision to live on or off post.


• And... employment for the non-military spouse.

This last point is a particularly challenging one when you don't have much time to look for a job, apply for a job and interview for a job. Like most military families, we cannot afford to be a one-income household. As soon as we knew our posting for sure, I started sending applications and resumes left and right. Everyone who may help, from former managers, to my brother-in-law has a copy of my resume.

My Soldier has been so wonderful. The lion's share of jobs I applied for were postings he found on the Internet. He helps me stay on task, be disciplined and keep my eye on the price. Even if I bristle at sitting at the computer for yet another hour, as I swallow the feelings of inadequacy at yet another rejection, as I tremble a bit at the irrational fear that no one in their right mind would offer me a decent job, my soldier has my back and supports me no matter what. Sometimes, that support is the only thing that allows me to believe that I can do this. I can find another job, I can help pack up all our belongings, I can help pack up a moving truck, I can move my family and my life to another state I've never set foot on.

This is probably not new to other military spouses. Most non-military folks will readily and rightly recognize our soldiers, marines, sailors, and airmen for their service and sacrifice for our country. Sometimes, they recognize the role that service member's family plays in that service as well. While that's nice to hear, the support and recognition that makes a military spouse's heart sing comes from the service member themselves. Nothing gives me more strength than hearing my soldier say: "Thank you, honey."